By Stacie Costa, LPC

Grace Ventures, LLC  Tulsa, OK.

918-212-8702 gvcounsel@gmail.com www.gvcounsel.com

August 31, 2021

Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend, a sister in the Lord, a spiritual director.  We were discussing relationships.  I was struggling in determining if, and when, it is ok to say, “enough is enough” and end a relationship.  If it is ok to end a significant relationship, what is the criteria for doing so?  How do you know if you should continue to try, no matter how long the problems persist or painful it is to endure? If the struggle is with a spouse, is the criteria different?  If it is with a parent, how do you end it and still maintain an honoring of them? The relational problems we were discussing were ongoing ones.  They are the ones that are a constant part of the relationships.

This conversation ensued as I wrestled with finding permission, really freedom, to end some relationships.  I believe that God has been preparing me to end them. Yet, I needed to confirm that it was God’s leading.  My thoughts needed a biblical foundation.  I have struggled to maintain some relationships across decades though they have always been shallow and strained.  I kept working at it because I believed to end them would be contrary to God’s Word and a loss of some sort.

After the conversation with my friend ended, I went for a walk. I was praying a bit and mostly letting my mind wander in several different directions: the beauty of the sky, why people let their dogs run loose which bothered my walk, was the pavement too hot for my dog, what I was going to do for the evening, what the current progress was on a house being built on the street, oh yeah…and a bit of prayer.

Amid my mental wandering and plodding feet, a thought, really a question, captured my attention.  That is often the way God speaks to me. “What is the weight and worth of the problem?” “What does that mean?” I asked. The response in my mind was “The problem has a constant component about it. It is a given in the relationship. It has weight or value to it.”  I didn’t understand.  Again, I heard a question “What is the measure of the problem and the measure of the relationship?’  I don’t get it!  I don’t know the answer!  It was a math problem. I couldn’t find the formula.  I kept asking and trying to understand. The thought of the disciples shaking the dust off their feet entered my mind.  That was followed by the story of the rich young ruler.  Then I questioned the relationship Rahab had with the spies and the fact that she lied for them which seemed to be ok in the story. Why am I thinking of these stories?! The disciples including Judas joined the mental gathering. Then the thought of heaven and hell came into focus.  I could not figure out how that fit.  I let all of it swirl around in my head, with all the different stories bumping into each other and with each collision, some clarity.

Amidst this churning a formula came together.

Relationship value minus problem value = If positive value, then keep the relationship and work through the problem                                                                                                                                          = If negative value, then end the relationship and the problem.

Could that possibly be what God was really saying?  Was I understanding? I went to the Word.

Worthy of relationship or worthless as dust.

Matthew 10:11-14.  And whatever city or village you enter, inquire who is worthy in it, and stay at his house until you leave that city. As you enter the house, give it your greeting. If the house is worthy, give it your blessing of peace. But if it is not worthy, take back your blessing of peace. Whoever does not receive you, nor heed your words, as you go out of that house or that city, shake the dust off your feet.

I looked up the word worthy in the original Greek.  The definition read “weighing, having weight, having the weight of another thing of like value, worth as much.”  Wow!!!! Weight and value-the same words that I heard in my head earlier in the afternoon.

Next, I looked up blessing of peace. Definition: “Peace between individuals, i.e. harmony, tranquility, and concord (agreement).

Then I looked up shake off. Definition:  to refuse to have any further dealings with, to cleanse self from.

What I see in this is that if there is a mutual and worthwhile relationship, nurture it.  If it is not mutual and of the same worth to both, leave it in a manner that you maintain your own care and worth or value.  It is ok to leave taking none of the “dust” with you and not leaving your “blessing of peace”.  The Word says have no further dealing with people that are not committed to giving and receiving equally. What I heard in my dialogue with the Lord is that in loving others, I am willing to offer to everyone what I have.  If they are willing to bring the same value, the relationship can be valuable.  If they do not, I need to love myself enough to care for myself. An equal relationship is when both are committed to helping the other gain what God has purposed for them. It gives space for acceptance, encouragement, and accountability to be who God designed each to be.

Of course, value can come in many ways.  It all needs to be considered.  We will see that in looking at the relationship with Jesus and Judas.  Some value is painful as it teaches us lessons or serves to put us in the place God is calling us.

Rich young ruler

Matthew 19: 16-22.  And someone came to Him and said, “Teacher, what good thing shall I do that I may obtain eternal life?” And He said to him, “Why are you asking Me about what is good? There is only One who is good; but if you wish to enter into life, keep the commandments.” Then he *said to Him, “Which ones?” And Jesus said, “You shall not commit murder; You shall not commit adultery; You shall not steal; You shall not bear false witness; Honor your father and mother; and You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” The young man said to Him, “All these things I have kept; what am I still lacking?” Jesus said to him, “If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.” But when the young man heard this statement, he went away grieving; for he was one who owned much property.

The problems with this duo carried a higher value than the relationship.  So, the relationship was not to be, and they parted ways. Jesus highlighted the problems, not all of which the young man recognized. Yet the problem he did recognize carried more weight and value to him than being in relationship with Jesus.  He wanted to keep his possessions and his ego.  From Jesus’ standpoint, the young man did not have a heart to give and receive; only to receive. Additionally, he was dishonest with himself and others.  He could not possibly have kept all the commandments.  He was not authentic.  He was not in a position of self-awareness to give honesty. Jesus did not pursue him when he chose to walk away. The problems outweighed the relationship, from the standpoint of both. The weight and worthiness of relationship was less than the weight of the problems which would have been ongoing without a heart change within the young man.

Rahab and the Spies.

Joshua 2:1-21 Then Joshua the son of Nun sent two men as spies secretly from Shittim, saying, “Go, view the land, especially Jericho.” So they went and came into the house of a harlot whose name was Rahab, and lodged there.  It was told the king of Jericho, saying, “Behold, men from the sons of Israel have come here tonight to search out the land.”  And the king of Jericho sent word to Rahab, saying, “Bring out the men who have come to you, who have entered your house, for they have come to search out all the land.”  But the woman had taken the two men and hidden them, and she said, “Yes, the men came to me, but I did not know where they were from.  It came about when it was time to shut the gate at dark, that the men went out; I do not know where the men went. Pursue them quickly, for you will overtake them.”  But she had brought them up to the roof and hidden them in the stalks of flax which she had laid in order on the roof.  So the men pursued them on the road to the Jordan to the fords; and as soon as those who were pursuing them had gone out, they shut the gate.  Now before they lay down, she came up to them on the roof, and said to the men, “I know that the Lord has given you the land, and that the terror of you has fallen on us, and that all the inhabitants of the land have melted away before you.  For we have heard how the Lord dried up the water of the Red Sea before you when you came out of Egypt, and what you did to the two kings of the Amorites who were beyond the Jordan, to Sihon and Og, whom you utterly destroyed.  When we heard it, our hearts melted and no courage remained in any man any longer because of you; for the Lord your God, He is God in heaven above and on earth beneath.  Now therefore, please swear to me by the Lord, since I have dealt kindly with you, that you also will deal kindly with my father’s household, and give me a pledge of truth, and spare my father and my mother and my brothers and my sisters, with all who belong to them, and deliver our lives from death.” So the men said to her, “Our life for yours if you do not tell this business of ours; and it shall come about when the Lord gives us the land that we will deal kindly and faithfully with you Then she let them down by a rope through the window, for her house was on the city wall, so that she was living on the wall.  She said to them, “Go to the hill country, so that the pursuers will not happen upon you, and hide yourselves there for three days until the pursuers return. Then afterward you may go on your way.” The men said to her, “We shall be free from this oath to you which you have made us swear, unless, when we come into the land, you tie this cord of scarlet thread in the window through which you let us down, and gather to yourself into the house your father and your mother and your brothers and all your father’s household. It shall come about that anyone who goes out of the doors of your house into the street, his blood shall be on his own head, and we shall be free; but anyone who is with you in the house, his blood shall be on our head if a hand is laid on him. But if you tell this business of ours, then we shall be free from the oath which you have made us swear.” She said, “According to your words, so be it.” So she sent them away, and they departed; and she tied the scarlet cord in the window.

Here is an example of giving someone an opportunity for relationship.  She was a foreigner, an enemy, and a prostitute.  She also lied. However, the relationship had great worth and purpose by God.  The value of the relationship was greater than the value of the problems. It is true that we all bring problems into a relationship. The question is how they get dealt with.  In this case, the spies accepted the relationship with the condition that she take on the responsibility for putting the red cord in the window to differentiate her family from all the others.  Without that, they were not taking on the responsibility of finding her.  There was a give and take; a sharing of value and worth. The problems were smaller than the relationship value within a given set of boundaries.

Jesus and Judas

Matthew 26:20-25 Now when evening came, Jesus was reclining at the table with the twelve disciples. As they were eating, He said, “Truly I say to you that one of you will betray Me.” Being deeply grieved, they ^[f]each one began to say to Him, “Surely not I, Lord?” And He answered, “He who dipped his hand with Me in the bowl is the one who will betray Me. The Son of Man is to go, just as it is written of Him; but woe to that man by whom the Son of Man is betrayed! It would have been good ^[g]for that man if he had not been born.” And Judas, who was betraying Him, said, “Surely it is not I, Rabbi?” Jesus said to him, “You have said it yourself.”

Matthew 26:47-50 While He was still speaking, behold, Judas, one of the twelve, came up accompanied by a large crowd with swords and clubs, who came from the chief priests and elders of the people. Now he who was betraying Him gave them a sign, saying, “Whomever I kiss, He is the one; seize Him.” Immediately Judas went to Jesus and said, “Hail, Rabbi!” and kissed Him. And Jesus said to him, “Friend, do what you have come for.” Then they came and laid hands on Jesus and seized Him.

This is a hard one to look at.  Jesus continued to call Judas his friend. Jesus was expressing the value of the relationship as greater than the heavy weight of the problems. Why? Because Jesus knew that He must be betrayed to fulfill His purpose and call. He needed a relationship with Judas.

Judas definitely needed Jesus. In the horror of what Judas did, his eyes were opened to himself. He recognized his messed-up priorities. He returned the 30 pieces of silver as they signified all that was wrong in him and he was remorseful. He experienced, maybe for the first time, that Jesus was worthy of relationship even if Jesus never gave Judas the position he sought. His regret and shame in it overtook him.

Sometimes the relationship equation can bring comfort.  At other times it speaks to hardship.  A relationship may help to position us for a calling or to invite us to investigate ourselves for the purpose of change and growth.  Understanding the value of the relationship and the value of the problems is not an easy assignment. The determination of both the relationship and the problems values is something to be done with careful consideration and in prayer.

Heaven and Hell

Revelations 20:15 And if anyone’s name was not found written in the book of life, he was thrown into the lake of fire.

Matthew 25:46 These will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.

We don’t often hear talk of heaven or hell anymore. Yet, they need to be considered always.  We know God created us and loves us. Why, then, is there a hell?  Because there are relationships that have a higher value in the problems than in the relationships.  God’s home, heaven, is a perfect place reserved for those that accept and obey Him. God is love and God loves God.  Therefore, no sin or anything not of God can enter heaven.  When a person seeks entrance without having accepted Jesus as Savior and Lord, without possessing an ongoing and personal relationship of value with Jesus, then the value of the problem is greater than the value of the relationship.  That person cannot enter heaven. That is not what God intended or desires.  The person made evaluations across their lifetime, that the value of the problem of giving their life to Christ was greater than the worth of the relationship.  God accepts that choice and then chooses that at their death, He cannot accept the weight of the problems by allowing the person into heaven. To do so would be to devalue His relationship with Himself, the trinity, all the hosts in heaven, and all the people that are there with Him.

Think about the word worthy that we talked about earlier. It is about giving and receiving a worth that is about equal.  Jesus gave His life for us and asks that in return we give our lives to Him.  Not an equal trade as He gave more.  However, He gave all and expects us to give all.

In further thinking of a relationship with each person of the Trinity in the present rather than eternity, I realized that when big hurts have come, I have questioned the goodness or God, how trustworthy He is, why He did not protect me or stop the devastation. As I wrestled this within the context of the value of the relationship and the problems, I realized how quickly I elevated the value of the problem and minimized the value of the relationship. That is because I felt betrayed by God which is not the truth. I settled into peace as I accepted that no matter what is happening, the value of the relationship with God always is greater than the weight of the problem. I may not understand the “why” about the circumstances; that is reality with my finite mind. My lack of understanding does not elevate the problem, it elevates my need for the relationship. I do not protect myself by moving away from God in confusing and hard times. I heal when I draw close to Him.

How do we measure relationship and worth?

I do not know that I can answer that question adequately for each individual.  We all will have differing scales, characteristics of relationship that are important to us, and issues with problems that are difficult to accept or navigate.

I think the starting point is to consider the pros and cons in the relationship for each person involved. Consider how constant the problems are and critically consider how that have gotten better or worsened with time.  Also have you grown or regressed in the relationship and why? It is possible that we regress because we want to excuse our own behavior by blaming the other.  It is also possible we regress because we excuse the other’s behavior by blaming ourselves.

This analysis must be done prayerfully to gain insight into the weights and measures of the relationship and the problems.  One thing to remember is that we are each responsible for ourselves only.

I recently read a book by Henry Cloud called Necessary Endings.  It was written for business and personal situations.  It is a good resource as you consider the values of relationships and the problems related to them. One concept that really caught my attention referred to categorizing those we are in relationship with as wise, foolish, or evil where problems are related. In summarizing what he taught:

Wise people will be able to have meaningful conversations about problems and learn from the conversation how to adjust to find solutions so the relationship can grow.

Foolish people will not be able to hear what is being communicated.  They will react with anger, blaming, minimizing, denial, etc.  No change will come.  Cloud said to quit talking about problems with them.  Use boundaries and limits with them to minimize the effect of the behaviors on you. This may bring an end to the relationship if the boundaries are not respected. It may allow a relationship to continue on a different level.

Evil people are intentionally causing the problems and the pain. His advice-get out and away.

Using this may help to weigh the problems and the relationship.

As I have begun to utilize the formula, I have sat down and written out the pros and cons of the relationship.  I have considered the ways I have grown and been harmed.  I have asked God to lead me in this, and am open to hear what I want to hear and what I don’t want to hear.  The results have been surprising and healing. As Cloud says some endings are necessary.

If a relationship is to end, it is good to grieve the loss in it. There will be some. Sometimes what we grieve is what we wanted and hoped for that was not.  It was not reality; it was what we desired it to be.

I hope for you, good and healthy relationships, and the wisdom to know when to end the ones that are not.

PS. The picture is two of my precious friends! Thanks for letting me share your picture. I love time with you.

The post Relationships: When to Keep Them and When to End. Christian View. appeared first on Grace Ventures, LLC.

By Stacie Costa, LPC

Grace Ventures, LLC Tulsa, OK  918-212-8702  gvounsel@gmail.com  www.gvcounsel.com

Sometimes we are focused on the 4 letter words in our vocabulary and overlook the 7 letter ones.  Yet, there is a 7-letter word that sometimes we shun.  One of these words can taste foul in our mouths and sours our stomachs.  It is one that feels as if it is a further blow to the ones that already knocked us to our knees.  F O R G I V E. Seven letters.  A compound word; for + give. We assume that in between for and give is the word you, representing the offender.  For-you-give.  That leaves us holding the pain and without recourse for repayment.  What if the word in between is me?  For-me-give. That provides an avenue to deal with the pain and find restitution.

We are taught to forgive.  We hear it over and over. However, there is little education as to how to forgive.  We learn and assume that in forgiveness we are to forget, we let the offender off the hook, we reconcile and trust again, we leave ourselves vulnerable for repeat offenses, we forfeit repayment.  That is not forgiveness.  Not even close.  That concept of forgiveness is instilled as children when we are obligated to forgive because someone is forced to say “I’m sorry” without backing it up with any true remorse or change. That is about for-you-give and it is not the true message of forgiveness or reconciliation.

It was in a valley of pain that I learned to forgive.  It was life changing. It also opened my eyes to the idea that the valleys are really the mountain tops.  More on that another time, as it is about a much bigger story.

My marriage of 20 years was being ripped apart.  From the outside we seemingly had it all in our family.  In truth we had much; much good and much bad.  I thought the good balanced the bad and I was strong enough to handle the rest. As the weight of offense after offense after offense got heavier and heavier, I knew I could not manage it any longer on my own. Being very private about anything wrong, I did not know what to do. I got on my knees and pleaded with God to help me, protect my kids, and heal the marriage. Not all of that was to be.  We all suffered great emotional harm and the marriage did not survive. However, I learned to forgive and in doing so I have found great healing in life. It is in pain that God grows and transforms us if we will allow it.

God, with the help of a wonderful woman who counseled me through this dark time, taught me a “how to” regarding forgiveness. I took my counselor’s guidance and added it to what God was showing me. Out of that I had a model of forgiveness that is straight forward and very useful.  It has changed my life and that of others who have used it.  I pray that it can be of benefit to you as well.

My journey to forgiving started with God laying it on my heart to meditate on the verse: Romans 8:37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

I was curious and pondered what it meant to be more than a conqueror.  The conqueror is the winner.  How is there more?  As I meditated on this, what came to me was the idea that one who is more than a conqueror is the one who does not carry the scars of the battle. Was that idea mine or from God?  To confirm that it was an idea from God I went to scripture to see if there was an example there for me to learn from.

Here is what I found:

John 20:11-16 NASB But Mary was standing outside the tomb weeping; and so, as she wept, she stooped and looked into the tomb; And she saw two angels in white sitting, one at the head and one at the feet, where the body of Jesus had been lying. And they said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping?” She said to them, “Because they have taken away my Lord, and I do not know where they have laid Him.” When she had said this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there and did not know that it was Jesus. Jesus said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you seeking?” Supposing Him to be the gardener, she said to Him, “Sir, if you have carried Him away, tell me where you have laid Him, and I will take Him away.” Jesus said to her, “Mary!” She turned and said to Him in Hebrew, “Rabboni!” (which means, Teacher).

There it was.  3 days prior to this scene, Jesus was beaten and torn beyond recognition.  3 days later he was mistaken for a gardener! There was no sign on his body of the severe and brutal beatings he endured. He was more than a conqueror.  Yes, there were some wounds still visible. The holes where the nails were driven through his hand and the rip in his side where he was pieced with a sword.  Why?  Because those were the markings of forgiveness.

In forgiveness, we were never meant to forget.  We are always to remember.  For-me-give. It is only in remembering that we can deeply forgive, utilize healthy boundaries, choose if and when to reconcile, and grow from the pain we endured.

As I considered this further, I looked at the story of the last supper with Jesus and his disciples.  The bread is representative of his body and the wine of his blood.  The body is exterior, and the blood is interior.  The body accounts for everything that someone does to us; it is exterior to us.  The blood represents everything we do to ourselves; it is interior to us.  Therefore, in so much of scripture God ties together us being forgiven by Him with us choosing to forgive others. Forgiveness is a package.  We cannot seek forgiveness for ourselves and withhold it from others.  We are one human being, internal and external.

Consider the scriptures on this for yourself.   Verses from NASB.

 Matthew 6:9-14 “Pray, then, in this way: ‘Our Father who is in heaven,
Hallowed be Your name. ‘Your kingdom come. Your will be done, On earth as it is in heaven. ‘Give us this day our daily bread. ‘And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. ‘And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.’ For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

Mark 11:25 Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions.

Matthew 18:23-35 “For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. When he had begun to settle them, one who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him.  But since he did not have the means to repay, his lord commanded him to be sold, along with his wife and children and all that he had, and repayment to be made. So the slave fell to the ground and prostrated himself before him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you everything.’ And the lord of that slave felt compassion and released him and forgave him the debt. But that slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and he seized him and began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay back what you owe.’ So his fellow slave fell to the ground and began to plead with him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you.’ But he was unwilling and went and threw him in prison until he should pay back what was owed. So when his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply grieved and came and reported to their lord all that had happened. Then summoning him, his lord said to him, ‘You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, in the same way that I had mercy on you?’ And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him. My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.”

Forgiveness and forgiving were both taken care of in the pain Jesus suffered.  Attempting to separate them, overlooks what He did for each of us. Seeking forgiveness without giving forgiveness does not allow us to heal.  To be more than a conqueror, the exterior wounds are healed, and the wounds of forgiveness bring to remembrance that healing.

The process of forgiving is the same whether we are forgiving others or forgiving ourselves.  We may want to forgive God, not that He did anything wrong.  Forgiveness work is not about the facts of events.  Forgiveness is about our experiences and wounding in events. I say this because it is sometimes said “they didn’t know any better” or “they really didn’t mean it” or “they didn’t understand that it was wrong” or “it isn’t that big of a deal”. There may not have been any intent to hurt us and we were hurt. If we experienced hurt or anger or confusion or fear or disappointment or angst or pain of any kind, we have something to forgive.  For-me-give.  This is not about our offender.  It is about and for us.

Why do we forgive? Simple because God tells us to.  He gives us this command because it is what is best for us.  He wants us to be able to be more than a conqueror.

How do we forgive?  We transfer the debt from the person to God.  God is a God of justice.  He operates within a legal system.  In forgiveness, we write an invoice for what damage was done to us.  We enter the court of heaven through prayer.  We hand God the invoice.  He agrees to pay it if we agree to accept payment from Him and transfer our right to collect from the offender to God. Now the offender owes God, we are paid (healed), and we have no further claim due us from the offender.  We did not let the offender off the hook. They are on a bigger hook. We did not lose our right to be repaid.

Confused? Consider this as an example. Someone crashes into your car.  Your car is totaled, and you spend a week in the hospital and then several weeks in therapy and rehab.  The bills add up to $100,000.  You take the invoices to the person that hit you.  He has no money and no insurance.  You are left holding the debt and the pain.  You remember that on your insurance there is a provision that covers this very scenario.  You go to your insurance provider who agrees to write you a check for the $100,000.  In order to collect the check, you are required to sign a release that states that you have been repaid, and that the claim against the other driver now is transferred to the insurance company. The responsible driver is not off the hook for the bill. They now owe it to a more powerful entity.

Think about the verse.  Romans 12:19 Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay” says the Lord.  The person that needs to be repaid is the one who was taken from.  The Lord says he will repay us. He can! Often the offender cannot even if he/she wants to.  What they did cannot be undone. When we give God an invoice, He repays us. Also, in this verse, He tells us that vengeance is His.  Vengeance is the meting out of justice.  Only God can investigate the heart of our offender and determine what is needed to deal with him/her properly. God tells us not to try to figure out and serve our own punishment of the person.  When we transfer our right to the debt to God, we are transferring the right to punish and to collect from the person.  We are not transferring the right to set necessary boundaries for our own protection.

When God repays us, with time the wounds are healed, and the scars of the offense are not visible any longer.  They do not cause us further struggle.  That does not mean that the events were not painful.  They were and the scars of forgiveness speak to that. In remembering, we reconcile, if we choose to, only when there is true remorse and trustworthy behavior by the offender for a sustained period.  Of course, reconciliation and trust building are different depending on the depth of the offense. Reconciling with a friend who failed to show up for lunch is quite different from reconciling with a spouse who has been unfaithful.

Forgiveness is a verb, an action. It is a legal transfer in God’s courtroom. Feelings are not instantly gone.  They may remain, they may fade away, and they may change.  Continuing to have feelings does not mean you did not forgive. If you made the choice to obey God in forgiveness, wrote the invoice, took it to God in prayer and transferred it to Him; you forgave. It has often been said that when you still feel emotional, you have not forgiven.  I disagree, a sad event is a sad event.  I would think that Jesus stays emotional about what He did on the cross.  He intentionally carries the scars of forgiveness as a remembrance and a sign to us of His love for us. In the last supper, His words were to “do this in remembrance of Me”.  Forgiveness is a big deal, a life changing deal. For-me-give.

When I was learning to forgive in this way, I looked for opportunities to practice this. I wanted it become habit in my life.  In each day, I was aware of even the smallest of offenses against me.  In my mind I wrote invoices and took them to God. It only took a minute for each offense. I wrote invoices for drivers that passed me too fast or cut me off or sat at a green light in front of me.  Invoices were transferred for people in the store who were in my way or failed to acknowledge they were taking up the whole aisle.  I forgave all the sales callers for interrupting my day.  I forgave my kids for whining or complaining or leaving their toys in the middle of the floor. (Yes, they still had to pick them up.)  I practiced and practiced until in the moment I felt any offense, my mind immediately went to invoice writing. This was the experience I needed before I tried to apply this forgiveness to the hard people in my life.  Those were not quickly written invoices in my head.  Those took hours with paper and pen and tears. Upon completion of the invoices, I read them aloud to God and then destroyed the paper.

With this habit built and great success in feeling lighter and free, I sat down with a spiral notebook to work through the offenses of my spouse in a 20-year marriage. I wrote invoices addressing his offenses against me.  Then I addressed my offenses against myself, him, and my family.   It took a few weeks to do.  I thought it was complete and so I took it to court of God and read it aloud.  I transferred each, and every, debt.  I destroyed the notebook.  This changed me.  I found closure and healing.  I have not forgotten.  The story still has its happy and sad components.  Across the years more memories have surfaced and as they have, I have written the invoices and transferred the debts to God.  I have done the same as new offenses and hurts have come from him. There has never been any remorse or apology or reconciliation, that I also forgive.

It can be powerful to take communion as you give God an invoice.  My practice is to say the Lord’s prayer first. I meditate on forgiving my debtors and being forgiven.  Then I eat a whole saltine square which is dry and hard to eat.  I want to acknowledge that forgiving others is sometimes hard.  I want to be authentic in that.  I tell God I am choosing to forgive and asking that the wounds and scars be gone. I am acknowledging the beating he took on my behalf as well as the beating I feel from my offenders. Then I focus on His blood shed for me and the offenses of mine that He took upon Himself. I ask for forgiveness for my sin and forgive myself for my failings. I drink the grape juice realizing that it washes down the dry cracker crumbs.  Accepting forgiveness for me causes it to be easier to forgive others. I ask to know that the scars of forgiveness are visible in my life.  I do this practice several times a week. It is some of my favorite time with God.

For-me-give.  Using this model to forgive is for the forgiver.  There is not a requirement or even a need to share the invoice with the offender.  We do not have to tell the person we forgave. We never have to see or speak to the person again.  The offender may not even be alive any longer. Discussions of forgiveness are a part of reconciliation, not forgiveness. Reconciliation involves both people.  Forgiveness involves only one.

            I pray this is of help to you.  Be more than a conqueror.

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When choosing to forgive, transfer the debt from the offender to God.  God wants to repay you.  The offender cannot undo what was done.

Forgiveness Invoice to God

Matthew 18:21-22 Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”

Romans 12:19 Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “vengeance is mine, I will repay,” says the Lord.

In completion of this invoice, I will choose to transfer the debt to God. With that choice, I am giving up my right to be repaid by the offending party who cannot undo what has been done.  God is paying the debt on behalf of the offending person. God says he will repay.  I am the one to whom payment is owed.

In doing so, the legal right to repayment from the offending party now belongs to God. How he deals with the offender is not my business.

Facts about what happened: _____________________________________________________________

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How this offense has affected me: _______________________________________________________

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Negative thoughts about myself because of this offense:

_____________________________________________________________________________________

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Feelings I have about this offense:

_____________________________________________________________________________________

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Promises I made to myself as a result of the offense which will affect me later (may or may not have this):

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

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Reminders:

• Forgiveness is a choice, and I choose to forgive the offending party for this offense.
• I choose to grow rather than allow my pain to grow.
• Feelings are indicators. They are NOT the decision makers or the controller of me.  The choice of how I respond to the offense is mine.

Forgiveness Invoice to God for Multiple Offenses by Offender

When someone has hurt you repeatedly across time, the offenses build causing much pain and at times trauma.  Because of the repetitive nature of the behaviors, there are common feelings and beliefs across the events.  This will help you to address the patterns and forgive the offenses individually and collectively.

On a separate sheet of paper, make a list of individual offenses that stand out as the most hurtful.

Add to that list the offenses that happened repetitively.  Next to each offense put a number that represents an estimate of how many times you endured each of these offenses.

On another sheet of paper, write down the feelings that you had as you experienced the offenses.  Put one feeling on each line.  Now go back to the left margin and letter the feelings starting with A and working your way down the list.  Use capital letters.

Example:     A  Fear

B  Sad

C  Shame

D  Disbelief

On the next page write down the negative beliefs you developed or reinforced about yourself because of these events.   On the left margin, number the beliefs.

Example:      1. I am trash.

2.                     I am a disappointment to everyone.
3.   I am a failure as a Christian.

The last list will be lettered with small letters.  This list is for any promises or vows you made because of the offenses.

Example:      a. I will never trust anyone again.

1. I will always keep my thoughts to myself.
2.   I will not cry about anything.

When you are satisfied with your lists, go back to the list of offenses.  At the right of each event add the capital letters of what you felt in that event, the numbers of the beliefs, the small letters representing to promises or vows.

Example:   He told me how stupid I am.  20 times. B,C.  2. a, b, c.

Using the examples above: This means he told me I am stupid about 20 times. I felt shame and fear.  I believe I am a disappointment to everyone. I promised myself I would not trust anyone, I would keep my thoughts to myself, and I would not cry.

Now you are ready to address each line item with God in prayer.  Ask God to bring anything else that you missed to mind.  When a different offense is remembered, write an invoice, and forgive it.

Using this you can also see how pervasive the offenses were and why you have come to believe things that are untrue.  It will also help you to understand the vows and promises you made to yourself.  With this insight, you can choose to change the beliefs and replace the promises with healthy boundaries.

You can incorporate helpful statements into your truth book.

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By: Stacie Costa, LPC

September, 2020

Disclaimer:  This article is not meant to give anyone permission to step out of a hard situation as a way of escape.  This article is to encourage those who need to question a false belief which is holding them in a situation that they do not belong in.  It is the choice to do the hard thing. It is a step of growth and transformation.

The Parable of the Tomato Plants.

A few weekends ago, my dear friend of more than 40 years came to visit.  As we sat in the comfort of the presence of the other, we perused many topics of conversation before settling in on the lifelong difficulties or our extended families.  We are both devoted to God and push each other in our spiritual growth. We are both female and first born in our families. We each have two younger siblings. We both have three grown children and a handful of grandchildren. We are both left-handed. We have, at the same time, gone through relational trauma leaving us broken, confused, and divorced.  We have much in common.  What we do not have in common, we each use to help the other learn and grow. She is my friend.

Back to the topic of family difficulties.  We both feel that we do not fit into our families.  We perceive that we are the outsiders.  Black sheep is too strong of a word picture.  Maybe we are the brown sheep or the spotted ones or simply we are not sheep at all in our families of sheep. We are the square pegs that will not pound into the round holes for sure. This has always been my unease in my family; even as a child. This messy discussion filled my otherwise tidy living room that Saturday morning of several weeks ago.  Across the years we have discussed this very thing and have tried and tried and tried to figure out how to fit. We do not.

I do not. I have prayed.  I have made efforts. I have given up in my trying many times and then felt guilty, so I set myself up for yet another hurt or rejection or to be simply overlooked again.  My beliefs drove me to continue this cycle across decades of my life.  The beliefs of honoring parents and the importance of family closeness would not allow me to step out of the struggle.  Yes, we are to honor our parents. The Bible is clear on that. There are many ways to accomplish that.  I did not consider most of them for vast periods of my life as they did not fit what my beliefs dictated.

Ending our conversation that sunny Saturday, I retreated to my vegetable garden. It is a place of solace for me. I needed to sort through the barrel full of words we had spilled onto the floor.  Transitioning from heartache and disappointment to peace, I stood quietly looking at each of my plants.  Growing there were cucumbers, asparagus, okra, beans, watermelon and cantaloupe, squash, and tomatoes.  Each of the plants had produced well all summer.  All except the tomatoes.  The tomato plants were tall and full of lush green leaves and bright yellow blossoms.  There were 16 plants standing taller than me. Their appearance caused me to feel proud. Yet, none of them had produced a tomato.  I was perplexed as they were in good soil, well fed and watered, and had good sunlight.

Google had an answer.  A horrible answer.  The plants were growing too close together.  I had to decide.   I could remove half the plants and hope that the remaining plants would produce fruit.  I could continue to nurture all of them to no avail as I would not be making my daughter’s favorite salsa from homegrown tasty tomatoes. I chose to remove half the plants.  They would become the compost for next year’s growth.

My mind wandered through the messages of the morning conversation as I removed the plants.  My thoughts and heart opened to God to guide me in this maze. I began to realize that my family lesson was like that of the tomato plants. The plants were sharing a space and it all looked beautiful.  Yet it was unproductive for all of them.  Some needed to leave.

I realized as I was uprooting plants that I believed that it was important for our biological families to be close and connected.  That belief was instilled in me early and reinforced again and again.  Just watch TV ads close to the holidays. Listen to conversations and sermons. Feel the pain as conflict, addiction, adoption, trauma, accident, betrayal and many other circumstances alter and damage family connections. The message is strong.  Family is important.  And it is.  And sometimes closeness with our natural family is not best for anyone as I learned from the tomato plants.

The division may come through choice or through unwanted circumstances.  For sure, I had happy and unhappy tomato plants that Saturday afternoon as I pruned and cut and pulled at the vibrant green foliage and appendages.

There was a shift in my thinking as I continued to remove every other tomato plant.  As I did, the branches of the remaining plants began to spread out allowing more sunlight to penetrate the recesses between the branches.  It was as if they were stretching their limbs and inhaling the air that they had previously been barricaded from.

As I pondered this new thought concept, many individuals in the Bible marched as a parade through my mind.  Each of them reminding me that they had been required to leave their family to produce the fruit that they had been designed to produce.  Some of them had never fit in.

Abraham was called from his family to leave to an undisclosed location to start a new nation. He took his nephew, Lot, with him and they also had to part ways.  Adam and Eve had to leave the garden and their daily walks with God. Abraham’s son, Ishmael, was sent away.  He would never have been able to fit in.  Joseph, who definitely did not fit in, was sold into slavery in Egypt.  Eventually the family was reunited in the way that God, through dreams he gave Joseph, had told Joseph it would be with his as ruler. David was singled out by God to be king and he left family to go to Saul and ultimately had to flee from Saul.  Ruth left her family to go to Israel with Naomi. Esther was forced to go to the palace to be prepared for the king. Abigail left home to be a wife to David. Samuel, at the age of two, was taken to live with the priests. Job lost all his children. Moses was adopted as an Egyptian. The extended families of Noah and his wife all perished.  Paul left family and all he knew to become a Christian convert and leader.  The disciples were called from their families and family businesses to follow Jesus.  John the Baptist went to the wilderness to live. The parade of the greats traveled through my mind for a long while. Each had to leave family to live their life separately in a manner that would fulfill their purpose.  The final figure that solidified this new idea for me was the realization that Jesus left his home in heaven and His family of the Trinity to come to earth as a man to produce the greatest fruit of all.

While my thoughts still pounded to the footfalls of the many who walked away from family, more scripture flowed in creating the melody to enhance the beat of the march that had just taken place across my mind.  The melody sang to me about a spiritual family.  Jesus, at 12, sitting in the temple was not being disrespectful of his natural parents.  He was honoring his heavenly Father.  When Jesus was speaking to a group, His mother and brothers came to the door looking for him. He taught the same group that spiritual family is of primary consideration.  When Jesus hung on the cross, He chose John to care for His mother rather than his natural brothers.  John, whom He loved and shared life with was entrusted with Mary’s wellbeing.  In His teachings, he warned that prophets are sometimes not accepted at home. No one that had paraded through my mind had dishonored families with their departure.  Fulfilling their purpose, producing fruit or tomatoes, was honoring their parents. That does not necessarily that the parents understood them or were accepting of them. It was the best way to honor their Creator and God.  Their Father. Abba.

As I stood back and looked at the newly spaced-out tomato plants, I asked if this would make a difference to their production of fruit. Within a few days, I had the answer.  Dozens of small green tomatoes were taking shape on each of those plants.  Across the last few weeks, I have harvested almost daily the delicious fruit of each plant. Salsa time!

As with the tomatoes, we need space to grow and flourish. Some may be called to do that within their natural family units.  Others will be called out.  Either way, if the decision is led by God, fruit will grow.  I have now recognized that God called me out long ago.  I am living the life I was designed for.  It does not look right or acceptable to my natural family and that is understandable. It is my journey. I have embraced it and am enjoying the tomatoes.

I love my family.  I honor and respect my parents.  I am not often in contact with any of the members of my family of origin and daily they are in my prayers.  I also try to extend space for my children.  I am proud of them in their life’s journeys. They each have their own calling and path. Honestly, their lives do not necessarily look the way I imagined.  At times I do not understand.  That is to be expected.  God has no grandchildren. He was the father of Abraham and Isaac and Jacob and me.  I pray He is also the Father of my children and my grandchildren to many generations. I pray this for you as well.

Whether you are close to your natural family or are distanced from them, please search for your spiritual family members.  They will richly enhance your life. I know that my friend is my spiritual sister and I love her dearly.

When God calls you to leave, it may be physically or not.  It may be permanent or not.

Enjoy your fruit wherever you are planted.

Update December 2020.  There was an abundance of tomatoes until the second frost of the season.

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